I was asleep when my mom and stepdad came into my room and woke me up.  I had only slept for 3 hours due to being up all night gaming and then dealing with my mom’s nurse that does at home visits, due to the stroke she had 6 years ago, they come every so often to do check ups and etc. so I was quite exhausted. Still half asleep, I remember them telling me something and my brain just not processing it at first…

I’m going to a BTS concert.

Even writing that now doesn’t feel real.

I remember I looked at them like they were crazy. I even said that I was joking about selling my PS5, that I wasn’t actually going to do it. They said they know and repeated that I’m going to the BTS concert. And of course I was confused cause I was like “ummm how.. magic?” 😅 I mean I knew money was tight, but I didn’t even think there would be any wiggle room for a concert ticket let alone two concert tickets. Apparently my stepdad had talked to one of his friends who he works with from time to time and gave him money to buy me BTS concert tickets.

Somewhere between shock and gratitude became the main emotions at this point. And yes I did cry, I’m a sensitive person.

The past few weeks haven’t been easy for me.

I lost my job. I’ve been stressed, overwhelmed, and honestly just… stuck. The kind of stuck where everything feels heavy and you don’t really know how to move forward. So when something like this happens—something good, it doesn’t just feel like excitement.

It feels like:

– shock  

– disbelief  

– gratitude  

– guilt  

– happiness  

– sadness  

All at the same time.

I’ve been crying on and off ever since they told me.  

Happy tears. Confused tears. “I don’t know how to feel” tears. Cause right now, I don’t know how to truly feel still. I was convinced I would never be able to go to their concert. I felt guilty that they bought me tickets because they’re already helping me out with so much and they have their own things going on as well so I had been dealing with the feeling of being a burden. And the moment my mother told me that she just wants to see me smile again and to get out of my funk— it made me cry but it also made me realize that I wasn’t alone anymore. So I let go of the negative feelings finally and actually let myself feel happiness.

What They Mean to Me

I didn’t just find BTS recently. I was a fan since the Skool Luv Affair Album.

I found them during one of the hardest times in my life.

Back when things were really unstable, when I was trying to figure things out as a single mom, just out of an abusive relationship, on and off homeless. I quit literally felt as though I was trying to dance on a tight rope desperately trying not to fall and life was the tight rope that was trying to strangle me. There was many times back then when I questioned why I was even here or just felt pure hopelessness. But when life kept knocking me down, that’s when I found their music. And something about it stuck.

Their message. Their growth. Their honesty.

They gave me:

– comfort  

– peace  

– something to hold onto when I didn’t have much else  

I felt like I could finally breathe again. It might be another language but the message always got through. I had become more of myself again back before all of the trauma and heartache that I had been through. I genuinely smiled and laughed again. I worked harder, became the mom I always wanted to be. I pushed out all toxic relationships whether it was romantic or family. And I genuinely started to love myself and my life and felt real happiness.

So this isn’t just “I’m going to a concert.”

This is:

> I get to see something that helped me survive.

Concert Prep Chaos (a.k.a. me trying to function)

Somewhere between crying and trying to process everything, I ended up planning my outfit.

Because apparently that’s how I cope now 😅

Outfit check:

– Black off-shoulder skull shirt  

– Shiny black leggings  

– Two gold necklaces 

-and of course black boots

Accessories:

– Red nails

– Debating earrings like it’s a life decision  

– Red ribbon hair tie with butterflies, stars, and a tiny bell (because somehow that felt right)

Current mood:

– “I’m fine”  

– immediately followed by crying again  

Things I Didn’t Expect to Stress About

– Bag size rules (why is this so serious 😭)  

– Camera settings because I’ll be far from the stage  

– Whether I needed to bring “freebies” like other fans  

– Realizing I almost brought my blog business cards as freebies 😂  

And honestly? I don’t need to bring anything. I’m just showing up.

The Real Struggle: Bias vs. Bias Wrecker

Let’s talk about something very important.

My biases: Jungkook and Yoongi  

My bias wreckers: Taehyung and Namjoon  

Which basically means I have no peace.

I’ll be like:

> “I’m focusing on my bias.”

And then suddenly:

> Taehyung exists.

And everything falls apart 😐😅

Where I Am Right Now

I don’t think it’s fully hit me yet.

Part of me is still:

– in shock  

– trying to process  

– wondering if it’s actually real  

But another part of me is starting to feel it. Not fully. Not all at once. Just… little moments. For Now- I don’t know how I’ll feel when I’m actually there. I don’t know if I’ll cry the second the music starts or just stand there in disbelief.

But for now? I’m just letting myself feel everything. Even the parts that don’t make sense. Because sometimes, when things have been heavy for a while…

something good shows up anyway.

And maybe it’s okay to let that happen.💜